Warning: Guys, do NOT actually say these things during sex. Doing so could result in spending your evenings uh, “addressing Mr. Palmer” when you could have been uh, you know, “taking the ole skin boat to tuna town.” (Cue Beavis and Butthead laugh track.)
What we’re getting at here is that these things can take you from the stage in your life called “getting laid” and thrust you into a far less desirable phase of your life called “not getting laid.”
Ladies, say whatever you want during sex. Once you turn us on it’s impossible to turn us off. Until, you know, three, or maybe even four minutes later, whereupon we go eat a sandwich and watch Sportscenter before turning in for the night…
Anyway, FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY:
Funny Things To Say During Sex
- Wow. Keep that up and we’ll wake up the kids.
- Was that pepper spray? Because i suddenly feel a burning sensation… (from @PattyPunker)
- Let’s see, Yankees won the World Series in 2009, Phillies won it in 2008, Boston in 2007, shit, am I saying this out loud?
- DID YOU ORDER THE CODE RED?
- OW! Apparently the last dude in left his keys.
- Hey, you said it was bigger! (from @DarthOpto)
- You don’t mind if I call you Scarlett do you?
- And that would be my zoom zoom in your boom boom.
- Oh pop pop, did you put on your old spice just for me?(from @PattyPunker)
- Check out this move baby, I call it “the sidewinder!”
- Man, I gotta pee!
- Damn girl, I think the state of our union is STRONG.
- Oh, I hope my swarovski crystals don’t break the condom… (from @PattyPunker)
- How about a little role play? You pretend you’re a Haitian earthquake survivor and I’m a naughty rescue worker. What? Too soon?
- Herc-a-leez, Herc-a-leez, Herc-a-leez!
- Wow, you’re nothing like those porn chicks.
- I’m really excited that, one day, even the Jonas Brothers will get to experience this.
- Sorry, I’m just a little more comfortable having sex with Denise.
- How about I put on a little Paul Wall to set the mood?
- Okay … THAT ought to finally get me some butt sex.
- For the love of GOD woman! You do not talk during sex!
Please … we’re not the only people qualified to be funny. In fact, we’re not qualified to do much of anything. Add your funny line in the comments. We’ll gladly laugh at you, too.
Say Funny Things posts are often crowdsourced on Twitter. To participate in future funnies, follow @sayfunnythings on Twitter and watch for calls for entries. If you have an idea, send us a message there. And could we cuddle for a minute before you go? Otherwise we’ll just feel cheap and used. Heh, as if that’s a bad thing…