- Image via Wikipedia
Take it from us – two losers who haven’t had real dates in a combined 19 years – humor on Valentine’s Day is something on which you should tread lightly. But in order to keep a hint of a smile on your face as she drones on about beaches and flowers and shit, you can be *thinking* about saying these things to her on Valentine’s Day. We did say “thinking.” If you actually say them, that’s on you … but welcome to the dateless wonder club, bro.
Funny Things To Say To Your Valentine
- I love you almost as much as my Wii.
- Look, before mom passed, she gave me her favorite red teddy. I want you to wear it tonight. (from @jsandford)
- I’m actually hoping you got me a ring this year … a cock ring!
- I didn’t buy you chocolates this year. You’ve put on a few.
- It looked more expensive than that on amazon. (via @webfugitive)
- You’re just going to have to overlook all the Calamine lotion. Don’t ask. (from @jsandford)
- For Valentine’s Day this year, your gift is I’m not dumping you for your sister.
- If I have to take Angelina Jolie off my list, you have to add James MacLaughlin to yours.
- I was thinking we might go to Second Life and pick up a third party to add to the twosome? Game? (from @jsandford)
- The only thing that would make you any better is if you were black.
- I’m sorry, I just don’t have the lung capacity to bring you to life today. (via @pattypunker)
- You look a lot like your mother which should tell you a proposal is not in the offing.
- Be right back. Time for my ointment.
- “Hump Day” is used to make single people feel bad weekly so that they’re prepared when Valentine’s Day comes around. (via @StaceyHood)
- Don’t wanna meet yo momma. Just wanna make you cumma.
- Thanks for picking a Chinese restaurant. Reminds me of my fetish.
- So, after dinner, you want to, um, go online and watch the end of the GoDaddy commercials? (from @jsandford)
- Will you do me the honor of being my next wife?
- Thank you for not hating me for not being Jude Law.
- Damn! Did you forget to douche?
- Your eyes are like sapphires, your lips like rose petals. You have the voice of an angel, and the ass of a Buick Skylark.
- My love for you is like the love I have for Hummel figurines … oh and ceramic frogs. I REALLY dig those. (from @jsandford)
- Let’s invite the waitress back for a threesome.
- I love you. I just wish you were mute.
- “Happy Valentines Day” and “Happy V.D.” are not interchangeable…at least not to me…(via @StaceyHood)
- It’s fine honey, it’s just not where I expected to find a noodle.
- Is that a cyst?
- What, McDonald’s gift certificates aren’t romantic?
- More than anything, I’m thankful size doesn’t matter to you.
- I almost love you enough to pretend you’re you when we do it.
- Life is like a box of chocholates; you take a little from all the candy and spit out the other half … know what I’m sayin’? (from @jsandford)
- If I’d never seen Megan Fox you’d be the most beautiful woman I ever met.
- Trade you a box of chocolates for a hummer?
- Get ready for the greatest 30 seconds of your entire life!
- I’m sorry, what were you saying? I was thinking about monster trucks, which are way more interesting than whatever the hell you said.
Proceed with caution. And if things get too uncomfortable, just order a hot dog and tell her you’re gay. And if you can think of a few more, help a brotha out and hit the comments. And ladies … counter act our offensive assault with some funny things to say to the dude at the romantic dinner. We’re more than happy gettin’ hammered … and having you insult us, too.
Say Funny Things posts are often crowdsourced on Twitter. To participate in future funnies, follow @sayfunnythings on Twitter and watch for calls for entries. If you have an idea, send us a message there. And try not to get caught staring at her tits.
